What is Parenting Guilt, Why we feel it and How can we overcome it.

Adv. Sandigdha Mishra

Life Coach, Cognitive Behaviour Coach,  Coach for Parents and Coach for Kids and Adolescents.

advocate.sandigdhamishra@gmail.com.

AM I A BAD PARENT, WHY AM I FEELING SO GUILTY, HOW SHOULD I DEAL WITH IT...........

Parent guilt is the feeling that you have done something wrong causing harm to your kid, regardless of whether this is true or not. It may also arise from not being able to meet the expectations of being a perfect mother.

New parents: Becoming parents to a baby is like moving toward new state or place. Even after the excitement of parenthood, there is endless and seemingly difficult challenges that you might face in this first year.The tension between the roles often tends to feel heavier with the first child.

Single parents: People who are the sole earner and sole caretaker/caregiver face more pressure to make sacrifices in either their professional or parental roles. Single parents are also more likely to come face-to-face with the limits of their capacity to fulfil each role and must make difficult decisions.

Parents with fewer resources: Parents with fewer resources often work long hours or multiple jobs to be able to provide financially for their children. However, when they are working, they tend to experience feelings of guilt for not being physically and emotionally present with them.

Parenting guilt may occur when parent feels torn between their responsibilities as a parent and something else that is competing for their attention, such as work or other personal interests, Feeling like:

• you’re never fully in either parental mode or work mode
• you’re always doing something wrong
• always having a long to-do list but feeling like you’re only able to do the bare minimum to get by
• you’re juggling one too many things
• not being able to enjoy time with your children
• stressing over work and the status of your company/career
• not having any time for yourself
• not being able to do any hobbies or activities you enjoy
• experiencing anxiety or depression
• having trouble sleeping or eating
• tired and stressed all the time
• straining your relationships at home, at work, and with friends.

Discipline is another common source of guilt. Parents will often say they feel guilty about being too lenient with their children and “caving in”; they can feel equally guilty about becoming aggravated and resorting to yelling or smacking. It can also happen when we over discipline our kid, not discipline our kid, not following through with discipline every time, making excuses or being embarrassed for your Kid's behaviour etc.

But feeling guilty has consequences related to the emotional health of parents and children's general wellbeing. Guilt may lead parents to develop unhealthy discipline habits, like giving in to children when it's not in the child's best interest, or overcompensating for the choices they make. While those things may temporarily relieve a parent's guilt, those responses could be unhealthy for children. Lighten your guilt by understanding that no parent is perfect and, sometimes, you do what you must to get through

the day.

 

Tips to overcome it:

1. First of all remind yourself every time your kid is not a mini-adult. He or She is learning and you are with them as guide to help them in learning.

2. If guilt comes up around the expectations you’ve set for yourself as a caregiver, ask yourself if they’re realistic. Try to refocus on what’s most important for you and your family, and let go of the other things.

3. Do your best to avoid comparing yourself to others. 

4. Remind yourself that you’re doing your best and that there’s no one right way to parent. The best caregiver for your children is you. 

5. Reading a motivational quote can be a great way to start the day. At the end of the day, write down all the ways you loved and cherished your child. 

6. Refocusing on how you support your children—rather than the things you could have done differently—can help shift your mindset.

7. Try to recall your childhood and decide whether you want the same thing for your kid or not. Never use your power, physical strength and superiority as adult to discipline your kid. This will impact their confidence, self esteem which may impact their behaviour in future which may be lying to you, hiding from you, being secretive, hiding of emotions etc.

8. Don't yell, shout or give any corporal punishment to your child, rather discuss and develop a consequential mechanism through a consequence list with your child. For example if your child is not listening or arguing or throwing tantrum then one of the easiest consequence is time out or freeze, you may tell your kid to go to his room for few minutes or freeze so that you both can have breathing time to think or listen positively. But the consequences mechanism should be of two way process, this means whenever you yell at your kid, your kid has complete right to tell one of the consequences to you and you need to follow that. The list of consequences need to be derived mutually (by parent and kid). This strategy develop a sense of equality in the kid and help him or her to build their foundation of self esteem and confidence.

9. Never threaten your kid. Don't say anything which you are not going to do or perform i.e I'll beat you, I'll slap you, I'll leave you in the middle of the road, I'll give you for adoption, I'll send you to hostel etc. This will develop a sense of carelessness, lack of trust  in the Kid and gradually he or she will take things for-granted. 

10. Be kind to yourself and focus on your Self care i.e: 

• Try to get some rest yourself. It's important for you to take a break. Try sleeping when the baby is sleeping. Or ask your partner or another caring adult to watch your baby while you take a break.
• Pause the pressure to be perfect. Keep in mind that there really is no "only" way to be a parent. Styles and approaches can vary. Also, all parents need help and support.
• Connect with others. You may be tired a lot of the time, but it's helpful to talk with other adults. Try video chats or social media to stay in touch with friends and family. 
• Use your "helpers." Engage your baby's older siblings as much as you can by encouraging them to be your special helpers, so they can help out in ways that are appropriate to their own age.
• Seek help if you need it. Feelings of sadness or depression are common after having a baby. If you had a history of depression before your baby was born, you may be at higher risk for postpartum depression. 
• Find a parent group. You may find it helpful to talk things through with other moms in your neighbourhood or online. Sharing your experience with someone going through the same thing can be a great relief.

Always remind yourself 

We are beginners, 

trying to heal ourselves
while creating a new model.

An integral part of parenting - one that few of us were told about in advance - is that sooner or later we wound and disappoint our kids. We love them immeasurably, but we hurt them at times. The reasons for this are legion, and it is a painful fact to acknowledge. Usually, we seem to have our parenting "blind spots" in precisely the areas in which we were wounded as children - the very places where we need healing and support ourselves. These all-too human limitations do not define our relationship with our children. A loving relationship is not one in which hurt never happens. The most fulfilling relationship with your child is possible when it is regularly renewed through the telling, and hearing, of emotional truths.

https://transformationcoachdirectory.com/listing/adv-sandigdha-child-protectionsit.html

To book your Session or Help please write to:

advocate.sandigdhamishra@gmail.com.

Thank you!😊